It’s a beautiful day in Phoenix, Arizona. Sitting at Starbucks, having coffee with a friend and we get to talking about a favorite topic amongst ladies, “men” of course. She was gushing about “Mr. Amazing”, what she has been praying for, how he should treat her, how she wanted to be pursued and so forth. Right about here, I stopped and asked, “If Mr. Amazing walked up to you right now, would you know it was he?” She thought about it for a moment, and realized that she wouldn’t have any idea.
I realized that many of us pray and hope for a Mr. Amazing to walk into our lives. We pray for certain characteristics, mannerisms, how we hope he will treat us, how he would pursue us and much more. For some of us, we have a list or revised lists of what we want in a spouse. We may take the list out every now and then to check and double check that we have everything we are looking for.
So, what does a godly man look like? What does a financially independent and stable man look like? What does an emotionally available man look like? Are our prayers and lists based on what we want, what we think we need, an idea or notion of what will be best for us? Are the prayers we pray and the lists we make done out of past hurts to be used as a safeguard to keep us from future pain?
Let’s land on that for a moment: past hurts. Many women have been hurt by a family member, someone close to them, or past boyfriend. Perhaps it’s been a one-time offense, but what if it’s happened over and over again? First by your dad or step dad, then a family member, boyfriend after boyfriend, guy friend and so forth: how do you bounce back from that? It can make a heart grow cold, jaded, cynical, cautious, calloused, bitter, angry, vengeful, fearful...even doubtful.
When a heart has experienced a trauma, there is an association and our internal defenses kick in. To safeguard against this experience ever happening again, we defer to and lean on our mind. This is where we catalog the guy’s characteristics, traits, mannerisms, quirks, friends, preferences, likes, dislikes, etc. We may consciously or unconsciously put the guy through test after test, keeping track of the results in our mental case file. While he is passing test after test, we are keeping him at arms distance and yet wanting him to pursue us at the same time. For some, we have a wall the size of Jericho and twice its thickness for him to scale, should he survive the land mines, moat and barbed wire.
On one hand, we want to be loved and understood. On the other hand, we don’t trust ourselves let alone someone else. Trust is broken, confidence is shattered, and yet we still yearn to be loved and understood. But the fear, the fear of letting someone in—to know us, love us, see us as we really are and to be there when we fail or fall—is overwhelming, even paralyzing. So we do a little recon: friends first, build trust, learn who this guy is and go from there. Perhaps, your forte is mind games, promiscuity or addictions to numb the pain. Whatever puts you in control.
Here is the problem: our self-preservation birthed out of pain or trauma isn’t biblical. Hear my heart ladies, I’m not saying we are robots and all ability to make choices is terminated as a Christian. I’m also not minimizing the pain and hurt you feel in your heart about past situations. What I’m hoping to do is give a voice to the pain, help you understand how to move beyond the pain, position you to receive all that God has for you and direct you to a place where you are making healthy choices.
In Genesis 1, we learn “the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God as hovering over the waters.” Then in verse 3 we read the words, “and God said…” Realize that nothing moves until God speaks. Perhaps you can relate to the words formless, empty and dark. Maybe you are in a place where you need to hear God speak into your life once again. Maybe you need to hear that you are the apple of his eye, his love for you is perfect, his love towards you doesn’t expire or fade over time, that his thoughts toward you out number the grains of sand. There are hundreds more verses that speak truth to how much God loves and cares for you. Are you ready to hear them?
There comes a point in our lives when the pain of an experience is too much to bear. The weight and agony of the experience runs like a movie clip over and over yet, there is a voice inside that wants to scream out for help. In the first part of Isaiah 42, there is a description of Jesus. It is written that “a bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice" (Isaiah 42.3). When there is an injustice we can bet that God is aware of it. Though justice may not arise right away, there will be justice. The promise is that in our moments of weakness, desperation and helplessness, God has not forgotten. He will not kick us when we are down or destroy us beyond repair.
God wants for us to be whole and healed. To reference a popular passage, “He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake” (Ps 23.2-3). Take a moment to read the Psalm. David starts out by confessing that God is his shepherd and because God is his shepherd, he lacks nothing. The verses following enlighten us as to why David lacks nothing: he makes, he leads, he refreshes, he guides. To conclude, it’s for his name’s sake.
You are God’s creation. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. He has ordered your steps, numbered your days, numbered the hairs on your head, sees when you sit and when you stand, your paths are in his full view and his love is perfect. There is no fear, no anxiety, no worry, no doubt in God’s love. There is no room for lying, mistrust, division and deception in God’s love. In I John 4:18 we are told, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”
If you are in a place where your pain is too much to bear, I want to chat with you. Perhaps you are on the other side of your experiences and breathing easier, walking lighter and are feeling refreshed more and more every day. You are doing it! Continue to search God’s Word to hear his love and promises for you. Maybe, this article isn’t for you. My hope is that you may know someone who does need to read it and will pass it on.
Let’s choose to let God be our counsel, protection, truth and healer through his Word and the Holy Spirit. There is no shame in seeking additional support through prayer and/or professional counseling. Remember, God’s love for you is perfect and his desire is that you are whole and healed.
Until next time, be blessed. Know that you’re an incredible woman of God. You have so much purpose and significance that can't be measured by the weights and values of this world. What is in you to give is so powerful, life giving and ignites a passion. No one is ever the same after they encounter you because of Jesus in you!
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