New Approach: Rejection

The other day I was driving home and just started crying. Not sure if it has ever happened to you, but I seemed to be overwhelmed with emotion and the only way the emotion was getting out seemed to be through tears.  Behind my sunglasses, my eyes well up waiting for their turn to roll down my cheeks.  Of course, fighting back the tears wasn’t an option because I think it was “a ready or not, here I come” sort of thing.  I reached over to open the center counsel to grab a napkin, wiping my cheeks, I just cried.  It’s in that moment where you hope everyone on the road is rocking out to their favorite song, not to notice the uncontrollable sobs. 

As I was driving, I was asking the Holy Spirit to help me understand what I was feeling and what was going on.  Prior to the cry fest in my car, I had felt sad, borderline depressed and wasn’t sure why.  I was feeling bits of anger and at times vacillated back and forth—sad, angry, depressed and repeat.  Then the million dollar question, “why?” rolled off my lips and floated into the air. Waiting for an answer, I turned off the radio, grabbed another napkin and kept driving.

Eventually, I got the insight I had been waiting for—stages of rejection.  “What? Seriously! I totally thought I was over that”, I exclaimed.  But really, I wasn’t. I hadn’t even left the first stage of rejection, which is denial. Oh yes, my friend, like grief, rejection is a process.  The reason being is it’s a traumatic experience.

For example, the school you had your heart set on didn’t reciprocate the same desire.  What about the boy that rejected you because he wasn’t “feelin’ it”. Maybe your husband that left you for another woman, changed his mind or has emotionally rejected you.  What about the team you tried out for, but didn’t make. Perhaps, it’s the job you thought would be a good fit and the interview went well, but you found out they decided to go with another candidate.  It can be quite a traumatic experience for you.

For me, I thought I was completely over an experience I had back in January only to realize I wasn’t yet finished with the process.  Yes, it was a traumatic experience for me. Yes, it rocked my world.  Yes, it did affect me in a way that I wasn’t prepared for.  Why?  Because all the signs and conversations pointed in one direction, yet at the end of the conversation, I was rejected and didn’t expect it. I definitely didn’t prepare for it because of course, I wasn’t expecting it.

Nonetheless, here I am four months later, crying in my car and overwhelmed with emotion. Clearly, I’m not done.  When I got home, I researched the stages of rejection and here is what I found. I share it with you in the event you ever find yourself in a place where you are rejected and it’s a traumatic experience for you.  Keep in mind, not all rejection is traumatic.  Some are just a doozy and others roll off your back like water on a duck.

Stages of Rejection

Denial

At first it is extremely difficult to take in the rejection experience. It often feels like being totally abandoned and left to fend for yourself. Denial is the state that occurs here. The rejection does not feel like it actually happened. It feels surrealistic, a trauma someone else is facing, not you.

Rage
The next emotion experienced is rage. You are angry with the person who rejected you. You may feel this anger intently or it may be experienced as more distant. Often the rage becomes self-directed. You express anger at yourself for not being "good enough" for the rejecter. You dwell on second guessing and wondering what could have been. You blame yourself for his leaving and at that point you are indeed broken hearted.

Bargaining
The next stage is bargaining. You say to yourself, "If I change this or that, he will come back to me." If I stop smoking, I will be reunited with my boyfriend."

Depression

The next stage is depression when you begin to realize that the person who rejected you is not coming back. This stage is filled with sadness where the tears fall and the longing ache for the rejecter is realized. Bitterness is also part of depression. It is at this point that you feel extremely resentful that you gave so much of yourself to your lover and now he is gone. You also realize that your vision of your former lover is tainted and he is not the virtuous person that you believed him to be. It feels like he bought the heaviest boots he could find and stomped all over your heart.

Acceptance
The final stage is acceptance where you understand that the time to dwell on this loss is over and it is time to move on. 

If you find yourself walking through rejection, I want to encourage you read through the stages.  There isn’t a time frame and it isn’t a step by step process. You can experience any one of the stages at any given time in any given order. 

When you find yourself processing through the stage, take time to feel what you feel.  What you feel is valid because what you experienced was real. Second, ask the Holy Spirit to help you process through it, to help you understand the emotion, why you feel what you are feeling and to help you better understand the emotion.  I always suggest journaling. It’s an avenue to get what’s going on inside you on paper and out of you. 

Even though you can’t say what you want to say to the person(s), or maybe you are waiting until you cool off, journaling can also help you sort through your emotions.  It’s a safe place for you to be you and to say what you need to say.

Choosing to forgive takes time. When you choose to forgive it’s for your benefit.  By saying you forgive, you are making a choice.  This next part is important so re-read it if you have to.  Between the time you choose to forgive and you are ready to move on, you are healing.  That place between does not have a time limit, it doesn’t have an expiration date.  Healing takes time.  That time is a gift, so please take it.

At times, I think we forget that we are human.  We don’t go from forgive to forget in one step. It’s a process and we all process experiences, emotions and situations differently and at different paces.  What happened to you was unfortunate.  Choose to forgive, take time to heal and then be ready to move on.